Torn

I have been on high and low spirits this month, which leaves me a lot to talk about, I imagine.

Last month, I was in "OMG I am so bored pls help me out of here" stage, struggled a bit, pondered on a few job offers, ended up declining and being rejected, then it's August. All of a sudden, there are too much to absorb, way too much, that I need an outlet. That's why I am posting so much these days.

When I get busy at work, my brain got more active that my creative energy also increased. Frustration of being forced to do excessive amount of input drives me to create something in a short window of time before going to sleep. That keeps me in balance. When I create, I have to record it, write something about it. Input, outburst, then output. A weird cycle.

Since childhood, I have been aware of bipolarity of my interests and everything. I am constantly being pulled to two different direction. At times, I care about what is happening in this world, I study Environmental Economics and Economic Development, Public Laws, City Planning, more recently Pricing and Social Research, I care about working harder and being recognized, just really doing the right thing. On other times, all I care is working with my hands, paint, knit, draw, sew, weave, all day long. I ignore newspapers and TV. I read a lot about fibers and fabrics, craft materials and methods, see a lot of beautiful things. It has always been a struggle whether I should study fine arts or social science or business. When I was 17, my mom decided that for me, that I went to Law School (where I ended up studying Economics).

So I thought Urban Design was an ideal marriage of two different world. Turned out, it didn't work out that way.

I learned that I am better at thinking about either art or business, not both of them at the same time. In that sense, I am not really multi-tasking. It's all about imagination - imagining the end state in your mind, and plan your steps to get there. It consumes a lot of energy, and my energy level only allows me to do one at a time. I have been making handcrafts all my life, since I started drawing at 3 years old, so I am better at imagining art. But also for business, I am sure eventually I will get there.

But I am still searching for a way to bring these two together, so that I won't feel torn all the time.
Do I have bipolar disorder?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bipolar_disorder

These pulls are so strong in both direction. More than most of you can imagine.